2011 - A Year in Review

*Disclaimer: The following content is long and boring; Reader discretion is advised*

It's been awhile since I last wrote on here. To be honest, there really isn't much to write about. It's more like there really isn't anything happy or worthy to be noted here. Life this year was really challenging and depressing as I can't really recall any happy moments. In fact, I can say that 2011 is the worst year of my life. Yes, that is correct - the worst year ever. I guess you can say helping a family friend with her business and getting a non-permanent part-time job is a positive thing, or maybe witnessing a close friend whom I have prayed for for awhile get baptized is something worth mentioning, but that didn't really happen to me personally. I just can't name one thing that I would consider a highlight of this year. Everything that happened in 2011 was all negative and I think it all started with the rejection of the three SLP schools that I applied to in the beginning of this year. I was so hopeful and was quite certain of being accepted because of all the schooling that I've done for the past 20 years. What got me good was why people wouldn't want me when I went above and beyond to grad school and achieved decent grades and qualifications where I am sure many applicants did not have. I taught two linguistics courses during my year at Brock and I got references from both Professors (not Assistant Professors) and an actual SLP to strengthen my applications. I was so hopeful that I would get into both schools to the point where I thought about my living arrangements and what restaurants I'd eat at when I actually get there. The rejection really took a hard toll on my health both physically and mentally. I became SUPER stressed out about my life as I lost all directions. I questioned myself on a daily basis, I felt super low, I kept telling myself all sorts of negative things such as not being worthy of anything, I am dumb, stupid and will forever be stupid. I was born to be stepped on and that I don't deserve to be happy because I am dumb, stupid and will forever be stupid. What really got me to the lowest of the low was when I called the schools 2 months after the rejection asking them why I was rejected from the program. All of them basically said that my undergraduate grades were not up to par and that my average was way below the cut-off mark. My graduate degree did not contribute to anything - zero, nata. So I continued to blame myself for not doing well during my 4 years at Mac because I didn't put enough effort into my studies, or I played too much during my university years or I watched too many tv shows when I should be studying. I looked back at my decision of choosing biochemistry as my major and criticized myself for not choosing the general science and getting good grades. I got angry at myself for not knowing the SLP profession earlier so that I could at least choose appropriate courses. I became jealous of others who actually got into SLP. I became even more jealous when people were able to transition smoothly into the real world (steady 8 hours per day with high pay). What I just couldn't understand (and I still can't) is why God told me to choose biochem in the first place. I never even thought about going this path, but I just happened to end up there. I hated labs or anything lab related during the four years but He always gave me a super smart lab partner to help me and mooch ideas off of. What I am most angry at myself is that I can't redo the four years again to achieve a higher gpa --It is gone, everything is in the past and I can't go back in time. What this tells me is that I will never become a SLP. The prerequisites that I am doing currently won't help either; even if I get 100% on all of them, it will only raise my gpa by maybe 0.1. So what's the point? What's the point of studying? What's the point of schooling.

There were certainly days when I would just cry all day long wanting an answer from God to tell me what I should be doing with my life or why He created me to be nothing. I can't find a teaching job anywhere because I am not certified, I can't do this and I can't do that because I kept telling myself that I am not destined or trained in that area. I thought about going to Korea to teach ESL (which I have been wanting this since forever), but every time when I am about to apply, things would happen like GEPIK is not hiring at the moment or something admin related. God is just not opening this door for me.

I felt really sorry towards my parents because I have been spending their money and going to school for so many years that I think it is time to find a job - in particular a high paying job where I can repay all that they have done for me. But whenever I think about finding a job, I feel that I need more education to achieve certain positions.

Bad, or moreso unsatisfying events keep happening to my life one after another that I am already used to it and just waiting for it to be over soon. I cry out to the Lord but it seems like there's no answer. I am not getting any younger. I need some sort of direction; a goal that I can work towards. I guess this is primarily due to my personality. I can't play things by ear, I need to know what exactly I am doing, think of the future and its benefits/consequences and how I am going to approach it in a way that make sense. I plan out everything and I tend to get upset when things don't turn out the way I have intended for it to go. But after many persistent prayers and sharing about my struggles with close family and friends that I was reminded of my role as a child of God. As a child of God and a believer of Christ, I should be mindful of things that are happening in my life, but at the same time, I should incorporate God's plan into my life and not be so narrow-minded when things don't turn out the way I want for there's a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3). May I never forget (or be constantly reminded) of this. I should wait patiently for the Lord (Psalm 27:14) to reveal his amazing plan to me (this is certainly VERY hard for me to do because I am an impatient person =S). I guess I was just too self-centered that it hindered me from looking/thinking elsewhere or even looking at a bigger picture. My thoughts were definitely just too pixelated.

Two thousand and eleven may be the worst year of my life, but it was also the year where I learned the most about myself. So I guess I should just treat this as a quarter life crisis and believe that everyone goes through this stage once in their lifetime. I know I am not getting any younger, but what can I do but to think positive things that are going to happen in my life in the future. I need to go with God's flow and play by God's ear. It is December 31, 2011 and it is sad that it took me about a year for God to discipline and ridicule me. I think this long struggle or this sudden "ding" of lightbulb only came recently when I finally decided to share about my struggles with friends. I was really ashamed of myself and was hesitant to share something like this to non-Christian friends because I just don't want them to think negatively of my God. Negative comments were all bottled up inside and I guess I should really learn to talk it out to release some pressure.

The Lord has done many great things to me for the past 24 years and I should never forget the times when He took me out of difficult circumstances. There's still many "unsatisfying" or "unknown" things in my life, but all I can do is persevere through all these trials for He promised me that I will receive victor's crown when I have stood the tests (James 1:12).

So here's to 2012. I will lower my expectations and will not expect to be accepted to any of the schools that I have applied to this year (I honestly don't know what I will be doing this year after I finish my TESL schooling in April). I will learn to play things by God's ear (of course I also need to plan when appropriate) and look at situations in a more bigger standpoint. May the Lord continue to grant me spiritual wisdom and strength to ENDURE what's to come. It may or may not be a happy year but it is my positive thoughts (I can do it! hehe) and my faith in Jesus Christ that will make the best of it. May He reveal Himself to me in a new and deeper way and may He surprise me with JOY! (in any way, shape or form).

Thanks for reading and I hope you can pray for me in my walk with God in 2012.

Waste...?

You know what's sad? Finding out that your education, or more specifically, your four years of undergrad and your Masters DON'T MEAN ANYTHING TO ANYONE.

Today I received an email saying that my undergrad marks were not competitive enough to be accepted into the SLP program. So is there even a point in trying again next year? my marks will still be the same. not competitive enough. So what does this mean? I will NEVER get in to SLP? looks and sounds like it. So does this mean that I've just wasted 6 years of my life....doing NOTHING? guess so.

I am really lacking direction here. I really don't know what I SHOULD be doing. Father God, please guide me.....

It's been awhile

There's just SO much going on in my life right now....been so busy! so much that my parents think I need to chill out and find just a day to relax.

It seems like I have no time for anything.....or more like.. there's always time for something....

EM retreat this long weekend. Please pray for safety, revival and relationships. I pray that my friendship/relationship with the sisters whom I will be rooming with will strengthen.

talk to you all later.

Trust

Yesterday's sermon was definitely a slap in the face. Last week's meeting at Emmanuel was about keeping the Sabbath and I got SO much out of it. I really learned to work hard on the first 6 days of the week and then spend a day of rest, meaning more God and no/minimal work, on the 7th. I am glad I have someone whom I can be accountable to.. and she's been doing a really good job at making sure I am really working hard and not procrastinate. Yesterday's sermon by PAdrian was really... man... words can't even describe my feelings. He was talking about the history of Sabbath, its meaning and reasons why we need to keep the Sabbath. But after all of that stuff, he said something along the lines of "yes, we need to keep the Sabbath, yes, we need to rest and spend this one day on God; but the real issue is, whether we are able to FULLY trust in God; whether we're able to let go for just one day and spend those working hours on God".

To be honest, I really have a problem of letting go and trusting God to the fullest. Yes, I always tell myself that I need to fully rely on Him and trust Him for everything, but I often find myself stressed out about school and life. I honestly get stressed out about everything. One tiny event, something as small as having a bad hair day, can stress me out. I can certainly talk the walk, but can I really walk the talk? Not really. So I really need to humble down and change my way of thinking.

Please pray for me and please remind me to trust and obey every single time I say I am stressed out.

Acceptance

So I've been getting these random panic attacks. There's still about 3 weeks left till I hear from the three universities about my application. It is definitely an exciting period because I really want to know what the Lord has in store for me. Yes, I really want to get into SLP but I know my marks aren't competitive enough. So I am prepared to get the rejection letters. I've always wanted to go to Korea to teach ESL, but should I really spend one year there? Am I even ready to leave my home?

Honestly, I live my life based on opportunities. To me, it sounds kinda bad cuz it sounds like I am not ambitious and that I don't know what I want. But I am ambitious and I know exactly what I want and that is to get a good job, settle down and go from there. But sometimes I feel like I am not going anywhere. And that's when my frustration comes in....

ahhh. I really need to be patient and remember what the Lord has given me in the past.

What's up with Priscilla?

It's really been awhile since I last updated in detail. I haven't really been great at keeping in touch with people because I've just been really busy with school, studying and all that jazz. But don't worry, I haven't forgotten you. I am gonna be social again.... haha. Anyway, I have meant to write a long entry about what God has been doing in my life for the past months, but I just needed some time to gather my thoughts and jot everything down. My "life in review" isn't all that interesting, so please treat this as a disclaimer....haha

Christmas 2010

This past Christmas holiday was one of the worst Christmas breaks I've ever had because I had to prepare for an exam that I had to write at the beginning of January. I had to limit my time with friends because of my studying schedule and it sucked big time. It sucked even more knowing that the final exam was closed book and that I had to memorize the entire textbook. Psych isn't really my thing; I like learning about it but I usually do horrible on tests/exams so that's why I needed to maximize my time for it. But anyway, it is done now! Thanks for all your prayers! The exam went really well =D=D

Despite spending a lot of my vacation time facing the textbook, I spent A LOT of time with my family (which is always awesome). And I also spent a bit of time with the roomie, which is kinda rare considering we're always SO busy during school months and holidays. It is really good that we got to talk to each other face-2-face, rather than just talking on msn and phone. It is really different. I am just glad that we got to catch-up =)

High school reunion 2010

Speaking of Christmas, one of the highlights of this holiday was going to our RHSS annual Christmas party. I don't know, but it felt really different this year. I went each year except one, but I gotta say that this year was one of the best?? I mean, past years have been really good, but this year it was really different. I am not sure if it was just the people (which would not make sense considering we had the same people last year just a smaller number this year), or a change of location or something, but it felt very home-y. It really brought back a lot of memories! I am guessing it is the lack of people that made it really good; I mean, these were the bunch of friends whom I suffered high school with, whom I ate lunch with, whom I played sandman (ohh memories!) with, whom I did a whole bunch of things with... so it was great just seeing them again and catch up. I guess with the lack of people we really got to talk and share in a circle and did alot of stuff together (like playing the piano, singing and taking a group photo), rather than splitting into tiny groups the entire night. There were certainly other people that I wanted to see who didn't come so hopefully I will be able to see them sometime this year! =D

Year in Review 2010

New Year's Resolution

At the end of 2009, my new year's resolution was to be able to hold my tongue (Proverbs 10:19). It was VERY hard for me to do because I can be blunt and rude at times. There were days when I just couldn't hold it in because I was just SO angry at the person ....and I usually feel ashamed afterwards. There were definitely improvements from year 2008 though, but I still need to learn. So for this year, the only resolution that I have is to do better - to do better than last year.

In General

In general, year 2010 just wasn't that good due to many factors. The only thing that was "happy" was maybe my graduation...or the family cruise(it was really fun!). Hopefully 2011 will be better....

School

In terms of school, I completed the two courses at Mac. whoohoo! One of things I hate about Mac is that they tend to always give me a heart attack! I wrote my exam a couple days before the break and then a week later, it said that I had failed the course (like literally F) on my transcript!!!!! Now I know this is ridiculous because I know I didn't fail the exam since all the marks were posted on the website; but what really made me upset was that it could affect the whole SLP application since I was in the middle of writing it. Many thoughts came into my head because the fail grade was cutting it really close and no one could do anything about it till AFTER the Christmas break.... ahhhh... It happened to my before for my other course too and it took them ONE WHOLE MONTH to change that stupid grade. But everything got sorted out in the end, and the mark was changed. Praise God.

SLP

Applications have been sent out. Now I just have to wait and see. I won't know the result till April. I have thoroughly thought over this issue of going into SLP. I would be super delighted if any of the schools accept me (considering they only accept a limited number of people each year) but I would still be happy if they reject me. I don't exactly know what I'll be doing if I don't get in....perhaps this is the year that I finally get to go to KOREA?! I dont know. I've been wanting to teach in Korea for the longest time but every time when I had the chance to apply, something would always come up. So ya, I am kinda excited to see what the Lord has in store for me this year. But in the meantime, I'll just be home-schooling.......ohh...

Honestly, it would be great if I could step away from the academic industry (HAHAHA) and start working, but... two extra years of schooling could get me a better job. Then again, that would mean that when I graduate, I'd be 25 years OLD! sooo ya.. I'll just have to follow what God wants me to do with my life =) Please pray for direction....

Prayer Request

lots to study + bored of studying + lack of sleep = one grumpy Priscilla

Please pray for my 2 exams.....

Major Things

wow. I haven't updated this in a long time. Nuthing much has happened to me, I am still the same.

Two weeks ago, my roommate Steph and I went to see the 1040movie screening by Jaeson Ma. The most interesting thing about this whole event was that it was Steph who initiated the whole thing. I knew about this 1040 screening last year and was actually planning to invite Steph to see it this year when they were reading advertising it. She was a step ahead of me and said that she really wanted to view the screening cuz it featured several Asian celebrities like MC Jin and Vanness Wu. Apparently she saw an advertisement when she was in Singapore this summer which I thought that was quite interesting....Out of all places, Singapore? But then again, Singapore is within the 1040 area!! Apparently the advertisements got her to watch several testimonies, one of which was Jaeson Ma. She told me that his testimony was just SO touching. I've shared my testimony with Steph and have been talking to her about the love of Christ since 3rd year university. She's literally surrounded by manymany Christians, but she's agnostic.

The event was held at Garden Korean Church in Toronto and man, was it JAM PACKED!! There were 2200 people in that tiny church and they even had to turn people away! The bad part about it was that we went there 15 minutes prior to the show and the main sanctuary was already full. We had to sit in the gym and it wasn't really good considering there were feedback and poles blocking the screen =(. The atmosphere just wasn't that good that night. The movie itself was great, truly inspiring and I just hope that it moved Steph's heart. She's really into Asian celebrities and so this 1040 screening was the perfect opportunity! she told me that she's really curious as to why so many artists in the past decade have turned to Christ.

The sermon started at 10pm and I just wish that it was earlier because I needed to go back to sauga. I really wanted to stay to hear what God had to say but we left =(

I don't exactly know what God's doing in her life but I know He's doing something. She's one of my bestest friends and it would suck if I don't see her in heaven one day. So I'll just continue to pray for her.

We had a guest speaker in SS yesterday. His presentation on his escape from the Khmer Rouge soldiers and the ability to forgive those who killed his family was really inspiring. The guy literally saw his family being killed by those cruel soldiers and he was still able to forgive them. How is this possible? Definitely not possible. Only by the grace of God.

The self-justification part of the presentation was where it got me. Many people in the past have done really bad things to me or have hurt me deeply, and it usually takes a lot of time and prayer for me to release my bitterness towards them and forgive. I don't think it is just me; it is just so natural for humans to be bitter and unforgiving sometimes. But all of a sudden, after listening to Reaska Himm's testimony, things like people saying hurtful things to me became REALLY small. I almost felt silly being mad at people for hurting me because my situations will NEVER compare to what Reaska had to go through. So I just pray that I will learn from him.

I am just so thankful that he could visit our church and share his experiences with us.

Age matters

Conversation in the car this morning:

Mom: "How old are you now?"
Me: "I am 23"
Mom: "What? you're 23?? So next year, you'll be 24??"
Me: Yes mom. I'll be 24 next year. *thinking to myself - don't you know how old I am?"*
Mom: wow. You're not young anymore.
Me: I know -_-''

LOL!!!

Praise and Prayer

One of the things I love about fellowship is the opportunity to praise God and to pray for one another. I haven't really been feeling too good lately cuz some stuff has been bothering me. It bothered SO much that I wasn't able to sleep. I've been praying about it for the past 2 weeks, but things have just remained the same. It wasn't really a big thing, but I decided to share it with my mini-prayer group last Thursday because... that's what fellowship is for. It felt really good laying it out to my brothers and sisters so they could pray for me.
God is good! He answered our prayers! I felt ALOT better when I woke up on Sunday.

Back to school

I am back at Mac this year taking 3 courses. I am also taking 4 online courses concurrently with Athabasca University. It is definitely gonna be a busybusy term. I don't know how I am going to handle 7 courses. But I'll try.

What Pastor Adrian talked about yesterday was really helpful and encouraging. I panicked alittle when I realized that I had to take 7 courses this term, but I should not worry because God always provides. I should always remember God's goodness in my life and what He has done for me in the past. I shouldn't expect too much of God or myself. It is good to set high standards, but I know that I also need to be realistic. It is definitely impossible for me to finish 7 courses in 4 months, but it is okay, I am just going to take it one step at a time.

What's happening with Priscilla?

I am back! It's definitely been awhile since I last wrote here. It is actually kinda funny how many people still read my blog despite this mini-hiatus (Just a heads up though, my life isn't all that interesting so I don't think you'll find any anything entertaining here).

For the past two months, I have been doing ALOT things. I don't really recall what I did exactly besides the big events, but it felt like I was in my own little world and time just flew right by....

I have been schooling, working on my research paper and the online course. The research paper is coming along nicely, and I hope I can do a decent job on it. I really underestimated this paper a couple months ago because I didn't think it would take this long for me to write it, but it has taken up ALOT of my time, practically day and night reading articles after articles, trying to find sources to add to my argument. The first draft was a big failure because I didn't put enough effort into it and it was no surprise that my supervisor didn't like what I wrote. So for the past couple weeks, I've just been critiquing, analyzing, revising and editing my paper. I really hope my supervisor will approve my second draft. Everything is going by so quickly and I just wish I had the power to stop time. eeks...

A lot of unnecessary things happened to me lately. Sometimes I just don't understand why God put such things in my life..... experiences maybe? don't know. Only God knows. I got into a car accident two weeks ago in Toronto. While I was stopped at a red light, the car behind me rear-ended me. I didn't know what to do at the time but call my dad (it was my first time getting into a car accident) and it didn't help that the guy couldn't speak any English or Cantonese. Not gonna go into details, but it was also a really tough situation because I really wanted to show mercy but I wasn't sure if what I did was the right thing to do. It really bothered me that the guy had so many problems, but at the same time, I knew that was the only way to do it to minimize his mistake. It was definitely a big mistake on my part when I forgot to pray and ask for wisdom right when the accident happened cuz I was too "caught up in the moment". I panicked and I was even more scared when his two friends came and started smoking around me (though I tried to show a tough face when I started talking to them in Canto). Things got complicated and it took awhile for things to resolve. But in the end, i guess it was a great experience, cuz at least I know what to do now when I get into car accidents.

There's also a problem with school for this September. I have been wanting to go back to Mac for a long time now to just complete some courses . But the problem is that the two linguistic courses are FULL, which means there's a BIG chance that I won't be able to apply to SLP this January, which also means that my life is messed? I got REALLY upset at Mac for not putting me as first priority. I didn't even think about other universities (which is REALLY stupid of me!) cuz I only had eyes for Mac. I know it isn't their fault and I got REALLY mad/upset/frustrated for stupid reasons. Things got alot better after talking with my parents and praying and right now, I am just waiting for an email from Mac. I REALLY hope they'll provide a space for me....

It is very hard to not think negatively towards things when stuff don't go accordingly, but I shall not be shaken. I shall not be moved. I will continue to seek the Lord for direction.

attitudes of gratitude

I am SO glad I waited. I really thank God for patience and encouragements.

So you know how I said that everyone said NO to me? Well, I prayed that night hoping that God would turn things around. Then immediately the next day, some people said YES.

I am still shocked by all of this. I expected people to say NO the day I took action, so I don't even know why I was disappointed and upset when they said NO. stupid. But I just wanted to see for realz.

God is just powerful. Mighty Powerful. I praise Thee.

Feeling incredibly blessed right now! =)

Thank you for your prayers!

Discouraged

I am searching and searching.

I am scared because people are saying NO and closing doors on me.

Is this what the Lord is telling me?

I shall wait and see..... I gotta be more patient and give it some time.

"David also said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished. " ~1 Chronicles 28:20

Starting over

I don't like starting over. It is like, you've worked so hard to build something and then all of a sudden, the thing collapses.

blahhhh.


anywho, I am really into hiphop/rap these days.

Running the race

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." (Heb 12:1)

Only a couple more weeks left.

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:30-31

Pray and Obey

werd!

epiphany

Life is tough.

Life is even more tough without Jesus Christ.

Listen

¹⁹My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry," James 1:19


I talk too much. Improvements needed.