*Disclaimer: The following content is long and boring; Reader discretion is advised*
It's been awhile since I last wrote on here. To be honest, there really isn't much to write about. It's more like there really isn't anything happy or worthy to be noted here. Life this year was really challenging and depressing as I can't really recall
any happy moments. In fact, I can say that 2011 is the worst year of my life. Yes, that is correct - the worst year ever. I guess you can say helping a family friend with her business and getting a non-permanent part-time job is a positive thing, or maybe witnessing a close friend whom I have prayed for for awhile get baptized is something worth mentioning, but that didn't really happen to me personally. I just can't name one thing that I would consider a highlight of this year. Everything that happened in 2011 was all negative and I think it all started with the rejection of the three SLP schools that I applied to in the beginning of this year. I was so hopeful and was quite certain of being accepted because of all the schooling that I've done for the past 20 years. What got me good was why people wouldn't want me when I went above and beyond to grad school and achieved decent grades and qualifications where I am sure many applicants did not have. I taught two linguistics courses during my year at Brock and I got references from both Professors (not Assistant Professors) and an actual SLP to strengthen my applications. I was so hopeful that I would get into both schools to the point where I thought about my living arrangements and what restaurants I'd eat at when I actually get there. The rejection really took a hard toll on my health both physically and mentally. I became SUPER stressed out about my life as I lost all directions. I questioned myself on a daily basis, I felt super low, I kept telling myself all sorts of negative things such as not being worthy of anything, I am dumb, stupid and will forever be stupid. I was born to be stepped on and that I don't deserve to be happy because I am dumb, stupid and will forever be stupid. What really got me to the lowest of the low was when I called the schools 2 months after the rejection asking them why I was rejected from the program. All of them basically said that my undergraduate grades were not up to par and that my average was way below the cut-off mark. My graduate degree did not contribute to anything - zero, nata. So I continued to blame myself for not doing well during my 4 years at Mac because I didn't put enough effort into my studies, or I played too much during my university years or I watched too many tv shows when I should be studying. I looked back at my decision of choosing biochemistry as my major and criticized myself for not choosing the general science and getting good grades. I got angry at myself for not knowing the SLP profession earlier so that I could at least choose appropriate courses. I became jealous of others who actually got into SLP. I became even more jealous when people were able to transition smoothly into the real world (steady 8 hours per day with high pay). What I just couldn't understand (and I still can't) is why God told me to choose biochem in the first place. I never even thought about going this path, but I just happened to end up there. I hated labs or anything lab related during the four years but He always gave me a super smart lab partner to help me and mooch ideas off of. What I am most angry at myself is that I can't redo the four years again to achieve a higher gpa --It is gone, everything is in the past and I can't go back in time. What this tells me is that I will never become a SLP. The prerequisites that I am doing currently won't help either; even if I get 100% on all of them, it will only raise my gpa by maybe 0.1. So what's the point? What's the point of studying? What's the point of schooling.
There were certainly days when I would just cry all day long wanting an answer from God to tell me what I should be doing with my life or why He created me to be nothing. I can't find a teaching job anywhere because I am not certified, I can't do this and I can't do that because I kept telling myself that I am not destined or trained in that area. I thought about going to Korea to teach ESL (which I have been wanting this since forever), but every time when I am about to apply, things would happen like GEPIK is not hiring at the moment or something admin related. God is just not opening this door for me.
I felt really sorry towards my parents because I have been spending their money and going to school for so many years that I think it is time to find a job - in particular a high paying job where I can repay all that they have done for me. But whenever I think about finding a job, I feel that I need more education to achieve certain positions.
Bad, or moreso unsatisfying events keep happening to my life one after another that I am already used to it and just waiting for it to be over soon. I cry out to the Lord but it seems like there's no answer. I am not getting any younger. I need some sort of direction; a goal that I can work towards. I guess this is primarily due to my personality. I can't play things by ear, I need to know what exactly I am doing, think of the future and its benefits/consequences and how I am going to approach it in a way that make sense. I plan out everything and I tend to get upset when things don't turn out the way I have intended for it to go. But after many persistent prayers and sharing about my struggles with close family and friends that I was reminded of my role as a child of God. As a child of God and a believer of Christ, I should be mindful of things that are happening in my life, but at the same time, I should incorporate God's plan into my life and not be so narrow-minded when things don't turn out the way I want for there's a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3). May I never forget (or be constantly reminded) of this. I should wait patiently for the Lord (Psalm 27:14) to reveal his amazing plan to me (this is certainly VERY hard for me to do because I am an impatient person =S). I guess I was just too self-centered that it hindered me from looking/thinking elsewhere or even looking at a bigger picture. My thoughts were definitely just too pixelated.
Two thousand and eleven may be the worst year of my life, but it was also the year where I learned the most about myself. So I guess I should just treat this as a quarter life crisis and believe that everyone goes through this stage once in their lifetime. I know I am not getting any younger, but what can I do but to think positive things that are going to happen in my life in the future. I need to go with God's flow and play by God's ear. It is December 31, 2011 and it is sad that it took me about a year for God to discipline and ridicule me. I think this long struggle or this sudden "ding" of lightbulb only came recently when I finally decided to share about my struggles with friends. I was really ashamed of myself and was hesitant to share something like this to non-Christian friends because I just don't want them to think negatively of my God. Negative comments were all bottled up inside and I guess I should really learn to talk it out to release some pressure.
The Lord has done many great things to me for the past 24 years and I should never forget the times when He took me out of difficult circumstances. There's still many "unsatisfying" or "unknown" things in my life, but all I can do is persevere through all these trials for He promised me that I will receive victor's crown when I have stood the tests (James 1:12).
So here's to 2012. I will lower my expectations and will not expect to be accepted to any of the schools that I have applied to this year (I honestly don't know what I will be doing this year after I finish my TESL schooling in April). I will learn to play things by God's ear (of course I also need to plan when appropriate) and look at situations in a more bigger standpoint. May the Lord continue to grant me spiritual wisdom and strength to ENDURE what's to come. It may or may not be a happy year but it is my positive thoughts (I can do it! hehe) and my faith in Jesus Christ that will make the best of it. May He reveal Himself to me in a new and deeper way and may He surprise me with JOY! (in any way, shape or form).
Thanks for reading and I hope you can pray for me in my walk with God in 2012.
